So all of you know that I went to see my grandma last month, because she was doing poorly, and that she really rallied and seemed to be doing really well, and she was. However her blood gases started going off again, her CO2 was too high, and she fell out of a chair and broke some bones and well, it was pretty much over then. Alice Coleman, my grandmother died on Thursday about 7:45 pm MST. The whole family knew in no time, apparently my cousins Twitter... who knew?
I went to work on Friday, and I think a lot of my co workers were shocked. I had to tell my boss (nice lady.. very classy) that I needed to arrange some time off to go to the funeral and they overheard. The thing is that it hadn't hit me yet, I just couldn't deal with it.
So this weekend, I've been a cleaning machine, and on Sunday, John took the boys and left the house to my manic ministrations, and I just lost it. Huge wrenching sobs that I could not control. It was like this amazing dam that I had felt, but was unable to let loose. I have been weeping ever since, anytime there is any quiet, and it is disturbing to me. I know that I feel so much better than I would, because I went to see her, and Grandma and I had some really great conversations while I was there. You know, those 3:00am conversations, when you talk about anything? But Grandma Alice was the definite matriarch of this family. There is a gap.
Now, on the other side of that coin, Grandma Alice was really ready to move on. She was done with this life, and confident of the next. She had been having dreams of loved ones coming to speak to her, to tell her that soon, she would be with them. She had one dream of my grandfather coming to her and saying that he was building her a cabin, and as soon as the roof was on, he would come to get her.
This really comforted her, she was excited to be with Grandpa Tony, and really excited to be with her best friend, and sister, my Aunt Goody. (Viola, really, but she hated that name and only went by Goody) They were inseparable in life, and the separation in death that left Grandma here without her was arguably the most painful part of my Grandma's life.
I'm glad that the roof is finished, that Grandma is happy, and best of all, pain free.
But, I have an empty hole right in the middle of me, I know that time will dull the pain, but not erase the hole.
I wonder at the strength of human beings, that we continue to walk, and breathe, and most of all love so fiercely while we, at the same time, become a collection of holes.
And lo, such a thing exists
20 hours ago